In today's Sunday Times, Peter Whittle reviews some of the week's movie releases:
Orphan
Cert 15, 122 mins
Lifted above the average by a pretty nifty twist and some unnecessarily good acting, this horror B-movie from director Juame Collet-Serra has Peter Sarsgaad and Vera Farmiga as a couple who, still grieving for a child who died in an accident, decide to try their chances at the adoption game. Big mistake. Nobody at the orphanage seems to know much about the mightily precocious little Russian girl (Isabelle Fuhrman) they select, but predictably all sorts of weird and nasty things start happening. Mum has suspicions, but of course nobody believes her. The movie is not above the odd cheap shock, but for much of the time manages to be absorbing, not least because of Farmiga’s likeable and nuanced portrayal of a woman on the brink. But it just can’t resist going over the top, and at over two hours, outstays its welcome.
***
Beautiful Losers
Unrated, 90 mins
This American documentary about a group of so-called ‘do-it-yourself’ New York artists (is there any other kind?) would be endurable if it had been a spoof, a sort of Spinal Tap for the contemporary art scene. But no, it’s in deadly, stony-faced earnest. Director Aaron Rose has crafted a paen to the mediocre and the talent-less who are all, like, creative, and all, like, make stuff, and who’ve all gone on to, like, world acclaim. Amongst those sharing their banal, brain-deadening thoughts with us about the inspirational qualities in skateboarding, graffiti and hip hop are Jo Jackson, Ed Templeton and Thomas Campbell, As you watch the movie wholeheartedly and uncritically celebrate the group’s ‘non-conformist’ ethos (shouldn’t someone gently break it to them?), you can almost feel the energy being sucked out of you.
*
Meerkats
Cert PG 83 Mins
Nobody knew what a meerkat was ten years ago, but since their very first appearance in a one-off wildlife TV documentary they’ve gone on to be the nation’s rodent of choice. You’ve seen MeerKat Manor, and now we have a big-screen Carry On Up Your Meercat. Director James Honeybornes’ s documentary features exquisite African landscapes which form the backdrop to the tale of one family group, and in particular a new born, Kolo, who we watch grow to maturity amid the various everyday life-or-death dangers present amid the scorched rocks of the Kalahari desert. Rather like the real-life natural world Disney features of yesteryear, there’s a huge amount of entertainment to be had, especially for kids, although the imposition of a story and the attribution of various emotions to the creatures can get slightly cloying.
***
Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus
Cert 15 85 mins
How this ever got released is a mystery. Unwatchable, almost un-reviewable, this stupid monster movie makes the Bela Lugosi swansong Plan 9 from Outer Space look like a masterpiece of post-modern irony. A completely anonymous cast look on as, unlocked from centuries of refrigeration in the ice, a giant shark does battle with an oversized octopus. Except that they don’t, much. The effects can’t even be called special, the script is like a Kenny Everett skit and the same shots are used over and over again. Cobbled together by one Jack Perez, the only thing to be said for it is that at least all the money is up there on the screen – around $150, I’d say.
*